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a heartfelt note, from the warmth of thy heart..
for the gentleness of his caring,
and the strength of his shelter.

paradise is a place on Earth;
father is the name of God
on the lips of a child loved.

___________________

(check out my friend "secretive"s photo of her dad’s hands, and the note she wrote on it. my own papa’s 62nd birthday just passed on the 22nd; i brought him and my mama for a nice lunch, but.. hmmm.. they didn’t like TGiF:-)

In the land of the blind – Hatred is King !

Here, an Angel is called: a Devil in wings !

• • In her midst of play …

  •                 the child was surrounded !

  • Amidst the heat of noon-day,

  •                 the angry mob hurled abuses –

  •                                                 “Demon !”

  •                                                 “Mutant !!”

  •                                                 “It’s not even human !”

  •                                 “Kill it !”

  •                                 “Burn it !”

  •                                 “The girl’s a mutant !!”
  • In the land of the blind …       prejudice prevailed;

  • Here, is where …

  •                                 God’s love … has failed …
  • Thus, He sent an angel

  •                                 not of human soul;

  •                 to save the child

  •                                 from this human Hell-hole …
  • Do you see ?

  •                 “This Angel’s a mutant !”

  •                                 “He is non-human !”

  •                 “The only Devils here

  •                                 are angry men and women !!”
  • In the land of the blind … we do not see nor hear;

  • Here, humans are kings –

  •                                 the harbingers of hatred and fear.
  • Amidst these hearts of darkness,

  •                                 God sent down His chosen men and women;

  • He gave them an X-factor

  •                                 to protect both humans … and mutants.
  • In the land of the blind …       God still loves.

  •                                                 Yet, humans kill and harm.

  •                 Here …                    the X-Men cometh.

  ChuanTP © 2003May13

  Happy 50, my Malaysia

  May we live as fellow

  humans, and friends

  

• MARVELS [Art: Alex Ross]

I’ll be 34 next month. I’ve got a tummy and I’m an overweigh 75kg. I’ve been smokin’ and courtin’ cancer for 10 years. My cholesterol and blood-sugar levels are above normal. I sleep very little when I’m by myself. A year ago when I visited a Chinese-med sifu, he told me "You’ll live long ’cause you’re a happy-go-lucky man; but, you won’t live longer, ’cause you’re not taking care of yourself."

Last Friday night saw me heavin’ and puffin’ as I followed the Wesak Day procession in Bricksfield; it was a mere 14km stroll, and many older -and even younger- walkers put me to shame, what with my leg-cramps.

I’m still happy, all day long. But should I be?

Let’s take today, for instance - I woke up beside my girl, and she’s mumbling in her sugarpop voice "Sayang, you go mandi first.. I wanna sleep awhile more.." There’s nothing more heavenly than rising in the morn, smelling the sweetness of your partner after a night of sweet slumber.

Breakfast - Roti canai, telor stengah masak, teh tarik + tapow 5 bottles of Kelantan-made Malaysian-sarsi cap-Ayam (in front of Tmn.Melati LRT>traffic lights/T-junction>you masuk the taman>go straaaaaight>the stall is on the right side of the road) Eat your roti with your bare hands; discard the nonsense of fork & spoon; gulp the yolk of your half-boiled eggs, feel the golden-yellowy flow on your tongue, down your throat; and teh tarik.. Oooooooh.. I love food.

Banking - Meaning bills + bills + bills. Why? ‘Cause you’re NOT there to rob the bank. My house has been with me for 3 years - my friends tell me "It’s your wife (lu-eh bo)", I tell them "Then, my 9-month-old Kelisa mah my baby (wa-eh kia)?" They all agree, ’cause my spouse and my spawn take a load outta me monthly. I don’t complain. ‘Cause I love my room; I get home from work, mandi, and parade myself naked for all I fuckin’ care in my room, roll on the floor like it’s nobody’s fuckin’ biznes. And I love my Kelisa; I shit myself recalling that I once swore I would never get a car, but man-o’man-o’man - it saves my time like camels save water.

一日不见如隔三秋，

二心遥恋四个州；

鹏程万里陈全梦，

我的爱给她家送。

<>

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trying my hands at chinese poetry. as i train my heart at someone, subtly.

Evali’s poetry

• Valentine’s lost its meaning
• when one ought not to be celebrating
• a day, in a year, is just demeaning
• of a love that deserves more than just one day of dining and wishing.

Chuan’s fun

• V for Vanity -
• the valor of lost-boys’ love in vain.
• V for Value -
• the vying of lame-girls’ lust for gain.
• V for Vendetta -
• the viability for business-bosses, as love trans-exchanges to no avail.

* Watch "V For Vendetta" on vcd or dvd.

• 8 hours.
• 5 states.
• 1 appleseed.
• late hours.
• at her gate.
• one appleseed.
• youth, felt at 34.
• yes, free as a rainfall.
• fiery like a firewall.
• fate? or fortunate? this night, this hour?
• like a flowerbed at the pearly gate,
• she waited.
• my appleseed.
• young lovers? or old romance?
• yonder - Venus stole a glance.
• together, might they live?
• ‘though tangled, this web they weaved …
• fear of prying eyes?
• of family’s outcry?
• or friends’ jesters?
• former beau’s barriers?
• mayhaps, fearful of the years,
• fretting future tears,
• frightened -
• by what is unclear …
• said those who’re sour:
• "love is dead."
• say i, true to thee:
• "love, live, and learn.. my appleseed."
• faith, like flower,
• blooms not by fate.
• an appletree bears fruit,
• from one appleseed.
• For those who’ve loved, left, or lost me - thank you for all the lessons learnt.

> An Antagonism & Anni <

dear chuan.. my mama was really happy when she told me that u posted a card to her. thanks so much. sometimes i wonder why u do it when u r so upset with her daughter …

in a way, my mama loves the kindness you have shown, and when i mentioned that u haven’t called me since i returned to uk nor do u answer my calls, it kinda shattered her … but don’t worry, i told her maybe u were still upset with me coz i messed up big time.

as for me, getting your card made me smile at first, and then i was kind of sad too coz it was a ‘cold’ card. even my friend ivana asked: "eh? why nothing one?"

i just hope that we can still be friends, if not more. take care, and thanks again for the card. i’ll always cherish every one of them that u sent to me throughout my months in cardiff.

perhaps, god willing, we’ll learn to forgive and forget … love u as always.

> Again, a Bane; thus, an End <

• i know its hard not to ignore,
• cos’ in de end, all heroes r a bore;
• again n again i plead,
• in de public’s eye, i parade my shit.
•                     i had chosen to believe much,
•                     in wat i told myself in March:
•                     "to try de road less taken,
•                     to see if it makes a difference."
• then, de leaves came a’fallin’,
• de query came a’callin’ :
• "wat was so freakin’ bad?
• dat it made de Bat
• so mad?"
•                     mayhaps, all dat glitter is not gold,
•                     within them all, r stories untold;
•                     to unveil them takes a heart much bold,
•                     if not, we’ll sit selfish, cold.
• guess she’ll settle her things in cardiff,
• distance.. wat caused our riff?
• expectations.. i know wat it means,
• when life - jus happens -
• seldom is it seen …
•                     much like my papa’s,
•                     as is wit her mama’s;
•                     we each do what’s able’d,
•                     insyalah, all gets settled …
• … no, i regret not,
• with us, it was a good twist,
• to de usual plot;
•                     guess, yes, in a fashion,
•                     we were both optimists,
•                     to love beyond,
•                     beauty, and beast.

> To Qin: A Relief & 2 Believe <

• ipso factor: i lied to myself.
• by the very fact of my blind belief,
• the truth I shelved.
• alas, this ball i dodged not;
• the past – only its lessons left.

> From Qin: 2 Lie & 2 Be Laid <

“Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 信 – is to believe wat ppl say, but – ppl lie, mostly to themselves.. we r all de same, de difference is: it’s easier to see others’ lies.”

> A Drivee & the Driver <

• yesterday night at 10
• i went out to town
• thai-food with a knowin’ fren
• kept me from bein’ down
•                     the year ended at 12
•                     for me it went without a sound
•                     but if deeper i had dwelled
•                     i know there hides a frown
• off we went ‘til 2
• on Si’fu’s car – city bound
• teens with cans sprayin’ goo
• adult hopes of peace be found
•                     in my room at 3
•                     i’m down for the count
•                     this year i’ll be 33
•                     still ain’t nothin’ but a hound

> An Arrival: an SMS & an Ass <

• roses r red, lilies r white;
• c__ks get h__der, when p___ies r t__ht;
• as__s r 4 sp____n’, ti_s r 4 su___n’;
• hav’a jolly good new year -
• whomever u’r f____n’                              

> A Departure: Debilitation & dBee <

• At KTM komuter. With my sister.
• Her penan’head. Restin’on my shoulder.
•                     To Mid’V. We walked and chatted.
•                     ‘Til my bed. As we showered …
• … I awoked with dBee.
• We laughed and touched.
• Did our hearts flutter?
• When our hands did not budge …
•                     At KTM komuter. With her brother.
•                     Tomorrow, she’s with Joy.
•                     Tonight, I type …
•                     I wonder.

> An SMS 4 an Ex <

• Evenin’ the sun had set,
• but the eve’s stars were gone.
• Mayhaps it was the noon rain.
• The two years they had met,
• the old shall begone.
• We start anew.
• Again.

> Old Friends & New Year <

After serious consideration, my friendship with you is extended for one more year – Try NOT TO FUCK UP in 2005 like you did in 2004 – Happy 2005 ! (fr KS:-)

  DAREDEVIL.
  THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR.  > marvel.com

  BUT.
  A MAN WITHOUT FEAR.
  IS A MAN WITHOUT HOPE.  > Lieva

DECEMBER 12, 2005
In my hands tonight are three Daredevil graphic novels: Decalogue, Redemption, and Father.
It’s apt, as a year ago, a death of trust, deeds by dbee, and my dad’s depression had visited me.

DECEMBER 12, 2004
Morn, plumbers fixed my pipes. Finally got to bathing in the comforts and coolness of my own bathroom. A friend in need is a friend in deed – dbee, thanks for the sanctuary of your water-closet, and the warm hospitality of your carpet.

Noon, received email: hon, I LOVE U. honest. don’t desert me again when i need you most. i called you so many many many times to tell you that i went house hunting today and that i’m packing my stuff and that i’m moving out tomorrow. talk to me please… my days would be hollow and meaningless if i don’t hear from you from the bottom of my heart, i’m so sorry…

si’fu sms “does it hurt? r u angry?” / me “pain in june, pissed in november.”
si’fu “now leh?” / me “wa lega.”
si’fu “wei she’me leh?” / me “umm.. like exams lo, once de results r out, it doesnt quite matter if it’s A, B, C, or fail, cos it’s out liao.”
si’fu “actually wanna tell u, dat day I felt really sad n helpless abt z’p …” / i cald to chastise si’fu for givin’ herself this kinda shit, for so so many years, then cheered her up with friendly advice.

Qin n Mingli went to pluck hundreds of The Last of Our Rambutans ! in serdang; pama invited them. Qin sms “many rambutan lo, cannot focus sms u” :-)  Aftnoon, Qin n Tanyen helped mama decide on Kelana curtains. Hope papa gets better. Blessed are those who have angels upon them. Amen, amitabha, alhamdulillah.

Qin sms “yo mama happy, she invited me to stay wit her couple days when she move to new house, yo pa much better, we chatted bout kelantan’ah’gong using his study-money to pay-off family of de girl he accidentally blinded in his youth.. took a ship to malaysia, n when it sank, he walked from penang to ipoh, then later settled in alorstar.”

I emailed Qin:
i woke up this morning with a hard-on.. eh! i mean with my air-con on, my clothings off; a shiver up my spine, a thought down from dreamland, it feels.

i had waded through three months of uncertainty - which is called chaos by some - ’til september, when angst turned to anger, n blurred sadness turned to cleared silence.

i had waited another two months to pick up dat call - me outside, u n Li inside de hall - ’til november deepavali, when silence alternated with sympathy, n clarity was antagonized by uncertainty.

then a month later, de truth be told … i was calm, yet it was cold.

i recalled u emailing me in october “i guess we dont simply withhold it as a punishment if things didnt work out within our expectation.”

i understand it as not punishing Anni, but to hit de tarmac, shield de storm, n get de job done. so there i went, lying on my floor, phone in hand, my heart a wee bit sore … i listened intently, i advised accordingly, she apologized profusely, i accepted suspectingly.

n when de dust settled, n her tears dried, when we neared de end, i blurted “i dont trust u”, n again Anni cried.

yes, u taught me well, my dear friend. since ah’pa, wei’bin, calvin, then ah’Li. since u, Ly, Hong, now Anni. u’v taught me never to punish. but to cherish.

dat love comes n goes, but our own actions never end. n if i were to take note, yet not take action, would but shit i make.

a year back, i silent Anni too, n u sms “christmas is always a time for forgiveness.. it includes forgiving ourselves.. wat we did wrong had been ancient ago.. dont forget, yet seldom flip back.”

two years back, i called u, in a drunken stupor, wailing stupid tears, regretting de pain i caused Hong, of her apparent lonely christmas. me, myself, unforgiving.

yet now, this dark drizzling evening, no lights but for de pc screen, my eyes glared, my heart glad, for years ago back in 1995, u posted me a B-I-G christmas card, a small offering: forgiveness, n friendship.

wasalam.
p’eng 041212 7.35pm 

Nite, dbee surprise cald for durian-party :-)   

Midnite, first’fren jiran’kawan Khairul Anuar Shafie sms “a’kum, alhamdulillah aku dah jadi papa.. hurray!! my baby boy born at HUKM, 7.04pm, 11.12.04” :-) 

Qin replied “We, ourselves can do a lot of things without conscious attention. But when a difficulty crops up and choice is needed, we have rouse ourselves and become conscious of it. There is no miracle here.”